One week down... Only 849 more until he's 18
Originally Posted (March 20, 2019)
I'm kidding of course about the title, I'm not counting down the days and weeks, yet... But we have made it through our first week of parenting! There were plenty of ups and downs, a few tantrums and hangry fits when dinner was late (from the toddler and the parents), and everyone is getting a little stir crazy hanging around the hotel. However, all things considered, we think things are going about as well as we could have expected for us adapting to life with a 20-month-old, and for Gaurav adapting to a totally new family and life.
Our "Humble Abode" for the past two weeks, and for at least one more.
Probably the most interesting things (besides daily life with a toddler) that I didn't cover in my last update were the medical appointment and the handing over ceremony. To recap where I left off last time. We found out last Monday (3/11) that we were going to be able to start fostering Gaurav while waiting for the final court order. The orphanage pushed back a bit initially to us taking custody before the final court order. I guess they just haven't had many families elect to go that route, even though it's very explicitly allowed at any time once CARA issues the No Objection Certificate (which we got back in November). At first, they said we'd have to wait and just visit until the final court order came. When we reached out to our adoption agency and pushed them they said we'd have to wait a week or 10 days, so that they could schedule a "handing over ceremony". Finally, out of the blue on Monday afternoon they said we could take him on Tuesday. Which was one of the few good surprises we've had dealing with the whole process.
I sort of suspect that they moved up the date because the orphanage would get crowded around visiting time. The other family from Spain, that is adopting from the orphanage at the same time, and we would end up there at the same time twice a day. There would be us and Gaurav, the other couple, Anna and Ruben, and their son, Jimma, who is about 6, and the girl they are adopting, Tanesha, who is about 14 months old. Sometimes their interpreter, Philip, would come too. It really got crowded and I wouldn't be surprised if they wanted life to go back to normal a bit and thin out the crowd.
As an aside, we've found that there are a lot of benefits to having another family going through the process at exactly the same time. We've been able to help each other out along the way. When we've forgetten to ask the orphanage about something, they often had the answer. Their son Jimma is also adopted, so they have some other experience to offer as well. We try to offer each other tips for places to visit to pass the time. Also, they are staying at the same hotel and we see them frequently. So it's also been nice to have some familiar friendly faces when we bump into them at breakfast or the pool.
The combination sidewalk, shoulder, and drive lane. If you look hard you can see the water buffalo crossing the street.
Before we were able to take custody the orphanage said we needed to go to a medical appointment to get a "fitness certificate". It's something that we need to do before we leave the country for US immigration, but, we have to do that appointment in New Delhi. We are pretty sure that Anna and Ruben needed it to get into Spain, but we didn't quite understand. Despite our uncertainties, the appointment was made for Monday night around 6:30 PM.
After telling the orphanage staff a few times that we thought we didn't need to go, we gave up. They just sent us all out at once to the children's hospital. So Anna, Ruben, Tanesha, Jimma, Philip, a caregiver from the orphanage (who spoke no English), Leah, Gaurav, and I all started walking. At this point we had done a little walking around the streets, and experienced the lack of sidewalks, walking on the narrow shoulder of the road with all the chaos I described of driving here going on right next to you. Also, we are side-stepping cow pies and avoiding the motorcycles and bikes that weave through traffic often using the shoulder. Not to mention it's starting to get a bit dark.
After a couple of blocks, the interpreter flagged down a taxi at a busy intersection. This is not an automobile like you'd expect. Here the taxis are all auto-rickshaws, sometimes I've heard them called a tuk-tuk, or auto (short for autorickshaw). If you haven't seen one it's somewhere between a moped and a small car. It looks about like you could fit 3 adults in comfortably in the back. I was thinking OK all we need to do is flag down one more... Well, that was not what we did. Apparently, the goal of these things is to pack them like a clown car. I have seen them driving down the street with people hanging off the sides or back. So like the locals, we piled all of us into this thing. Counting the driver, we had 7 adults and three children, a personal record which we would break on the way back from the appointment. Gaurav loved it, he wanted to hold onto the handle the whole way and was totally into watching all the traffic zoom by. Fortunately, we've learned these taxi rides are one of the few things he will sit still for...
So after a hot, cramped, 10-minute taxi ride, we arrived at the clinic. We were led to a waiting room with a couple of desks and tellers at different windows. This whole experience was somewhat like court and pretty much just as confusing. Come over here... what's your name... sit over there... you can wait in this line... no sit back down... Take off your shoes.... luckily the Spanish-Hindi interpreter also spoke decent English. Otherwise, we would have never figured it out. Also, it was hot in that room and Gaurav was hungry or tired or just generally fussy and would not sit still. We were all just barely hanging on to our wits.
Finally, Gaurav was called back to the doctor's office. I'm not sure how long we waited, it might have only been 15 mintues, but it felt like an hour trying to contain a toddler. This also was literally our first excursion with him out of the orphanage, and we had limited skills in dealing with fussy kids. The doctor's office was a combination office with a desk and bookshelves and an examination room. There were a handful of chairs spread around the room and there were about 3 or 4 families in there at the same time. Along with the orphanage director, Dinesh, who had met us shortly before we were called in and a couple of other men who I presume were doctors. Though I really don't know. They made a few jokes about Gaurav being naughty and busy. They spoke English and were very friendly so it was somewhat comforting if nothing else. Then the doctor put Gaurav up on the examining table for about 30 seconds with the typical workup with a stethoscope, signed the form, and sent us out.
I borrowed a picture of an auto rickshaw from Google
On the way back to the orphanage all of us again piled into a tuk-tuk. This time we also had another passenger who was already in the taxi that relocated to the front seat when we got in. When we arrived at the orphanage the driver and other passengers wanted to shake our hands and wish us well. It's one of those things we've frequently found here. Even though there is a language barrier with many of the people, almost everyone we've met is extremely friendly. We've been randomly greeted regularly in the street or in shops. Also, I've lost track of how many people have asked us for selfies. I don't think they get many white people around here, so at times it feels kind of like you are a minor celebrity. I could probably go on and on about all the interesting (and sometimes awkward) interactions we've had with folks around here...
Tuesday was the big handover ceremony and we didn't know what to expect, but I don't think I'll forget it any time soon. I didn't sleep great Monday night with an upset stomach.... I assumed it was partially nerves, but also my stomach hadn't really agreed with me all that much up to this point in the trip. The long flights and airline food, the complete change in diet (I like spicy food, but my digestive system does not), also there's the poor water quality. We've been told basically not to eat any uncooked foods and only drink bottled water due to very water quality here.... I made more trips than usual to the bathroom overnight, but in the morning I felt OK and figured I'd be fine. We got to the orphanage and I had worked up much more of a sweat than usual on the walk. I was moving pretty slow and feeling weak so I settled into one of the chairs and did my best to not look totally miserable and sort of interact with Gaurav and all the folks who were visiting.
As it turns out the "ceremony" was mostly just the caregivers getting a last chance to say goodbye and a number of folks coming through the orphanage with donations and to say hello to the adopting family. Sort of an "open house" style gathering, but I honestly have no idea what anyone's relationship to the orphanage was. I'm sure they told me in Hindi. Lots of people asked for photos with us and Gaurav. The whole time I'm just feeling totally miserable, it's about 95 degrees and the orphanage only has ceiling fans to cool the room. I survived about 45 minutes but then just settled into a chair in the corner with a decent breeze. After a little while, I just gave up and decided a few minutes with my eyes closed would help. Well, I fell asleep, I'm not sure how long, probably not more than a few minutes.
When I woke up I did not feel better, in fact, I was much worse. I felt a lot like I needed to vomit. So I got up and as quickly yet discretely as I could I went to the front door and put on my shoes (You have to take off your shoes everywhere you go in India. I suppose because the streets are so dirty), and headed for the bathroom. You had to go outside on the balcony to access the bathroom, I briefly considered leaning over the railing and just going for it, but the bathroom was available so I elected for that.
Well, most places here have squat toilets. Which at first glance looks a lot more like some janitor's closet than a bathroom. It's a tiled room that was maybe 3 ft X 3 ft and there is just a drain in the floor. (There is a small chance I was mistaken all week long and actually had just been peeing on the floor in a janitor's closet at the orphanage, but I'm pretty sure it was the toilet...) Sometimes, there's a hose attached to the wall to use as a bidet, but this was not one of the nicer setups, there was just a 5-gallon pail full of water with a small pitcher for scooping water. That's it, a drain in the floor and a 5-gallon pail of water under a faucet. Aside from this one occasion on the trip, I've been fortunate to always find a trusty porcelain toilet every time I've needed one.
There is no good way to vomit in a squat toilet, and there REALLY is no good way to clean it up after. I did the best I could, but honestly, there's just only so much that could be done. If you are squeamish or offended by stories about puking maybe skip to the next paragraph.... I aimed for the drain, but I'm not getting my mouth anywhere near that floor so there was a lot of splatter. Mostly on the walls, but my shoes and pants did not come out unscathed... After working through a few rounds I actually felt quite a bit better, but I still had the mess to deal with. I looked around and prayed that there was a bidet hose that I missed... nope. Just that 5-gallon bucket with a little pitcher floating in it. It did not feel like a very sanitary option, but it was all I had. I scooped water out to try and rinse the walls and floor, but the vomit totally clogs the drain. Then I'm standing in about an inch of puke water. I finally get the water to drain down by strategically pouring it so that the big chunks clear out away from the drain screen. The place is still a mess though. I gave up at this point, just hoping we'd be able to leave before anyone saw what I did in there.
The funny thing about puking is that you often feel a lot better afterward, which was definitely the case. I was able to make it through the rest of the afternoon. I didn't feel great, but way, way better. Oh yeah and at that point we got to bring Gaurav back to the hotel with us. So the first 24 hours or so were fun for Leah. She's been the MVP of the trip for sure, but that day she was pretty much Super Woman. I was only about 50% useful and she was starting to take care of a toddler. We just survived that first day.
Since our adventure with the handing over ceremony, we've been doing whatever we can to pass the time. Living out of a hotel room isn't easy. Living out of a hotel room with a toddler is hard. And living out of a hotel room with a toddler in India is really hard.
One of our regular walks through the neighborhood.
The last week has been a lot about getting into a routine that works for him and us. We have plenty of toys to occupy him. The hotel has a pool that we visit for a while each day. We take walks around the neighborhood or go to the mall that is right around the corner. There is a zoo we found that only takes about a 15-minute taxi ride to get to. We also caught a little bit of a cricket game the other day. However, there just isn't a ton to do for tourists around here... Honestly, it's been hard on us, feeling cooped up and homesick from time to time. I've tried to do a little work or watch Netflix, but the internet can be a bit sporadic, so it's tough. Once we put him down for bed or naps, it's hard to get anything done since we're all stuck in the same room. Thankfully he's a heavy sleeper but, we're still walking on pins and needles trying to keep him from waking up. Plus with the room being dark and quiet, we tend to get tired anyway. We've tried to take individual breaks and get away for stretches. But that's a balancing act too, making sure we each have a little time to ourselves without leaving the other person with too much toddler time. Writing the blog here and there has helped distract me too. The days do go a little slow sometimes, but it's hard to believe we've already been here for over two weeks.
There are a few tantrums per day and some challenging behaviors we're dealing with. Most of them were things are typical of children who have spent time in orphanages and the rest of them are typical of toddlers. Difficulties around mealtimes especially. We've had a few moments where we were near our breaking points. We've had to talk each other through near breakdowns after difficult stretches. Fortunately, in the last few days, I think we've really hit our stride. He is such a smart boy and he is picking up on things quickly. And even during the hard days, there's been way more good moments than bad. He's really bonding well with Mom, he's been a bit slower coming around to Dad, but we've come a long way and we're getting there.
This went on longer than I expected and more of it was about puking than anyone cared to read about. We're doing our best to keep busy and find some fun new things to do each week. Our next update from the court comes on Monday (3/25), so we're really crossing our fingers for good news. We've started emailing as many people as we can find that could help expedite the process and we're optimistic it'll help. We'll find a way to make the best of our stay in Bilaspur until we can finally head home.
