Originally Posted December 20, 2017
This may be a bit circuitous and rambling, but that probably won’t surprise people who have heard my storytelling style. It’s challenging to put words to all the emotions and describe a life decision like this in a relatively concise way, but I’ll do my best.
Up until I was about 25, I was sure I wanted to have kids but I had a pretty difficult time answering exactly why. It was more of a biological or emotional than rational decision. In my head it was something everyone did, so I assumed it was something I also wanted. Leah and I had some what different feelings on children though.
Around the time we got married, Leah and I had a few discussions about children. Leah made it fairly clear while we were dating that she didn’t plan on having her own children. Then again, she had also told me that she didn’t plan on getting married either, and yet we got married. I figured maybe we’d get to the same point. Eventually we did, but not where I initially expected. We decided that children weren’t in our plans and it took me some time to re-adjust my vision for my life. Frankly, I was a little sad; the life I envisioned wasn’t going to happen.
After some time, I became content with the decision and went about life with different goals. Overall things were pretty good. From time to time I still thought about kids; mostly when friends, family, or coworkers prodded a bit. For both Leah and I, the default response was definitely to shut down the conversation and change the subject. I’m still a bit careful sharing our reasons for not choosing to have a biological child. I don’t want to preach, everyone can choose to live their life exactly how they want, and I am sure those with biological children can’t imagine their lives without them.
The, last September, Leah had her trip to India. She had shared some of their plans and what she knew about the foster homes they were going to. I was excited and proud of her, but I didn’t expect it to be the beginning of anything this big. I didn’t hear much from her while she was gone, but she was half way around the world. There were occasional emails about the food, the rats, the noise, but not too much about the kids or work. When Leah got home, I could tell she was emotionally exhausted. She can be emotionally guarded, so it took a few days before she shared much of anything. It wasn’t long after returning home that Leah mentioned adoption.
I was surprised when Leah initially brought up adoption, but I was excited too. It was kind of a rush of emotions, a lot of them are hard to put words too. Maybe it’s a little like when a couple finds out they are pregnant. Though, it is different because it’s much easier to change your mind. The thoughts of how our lives would change or if we're prepared were frequently on my mind during our discussions. The decision we made was much more emotional and challenging than I ever would have expected. Eventually, I made it to the same place as Leah.
Leah is far and away the most empathetic person I know; when I tapped into that empathy, it was obvious what we needed to do. It’s impossible to read the stories of these children in orphanages or foster care in developing countries and not feel overwhelming sadness; no parents, no family, almost no chance in life. Unless someone gives them a chance. I'm was certain this was the right decision for us.
So after all that background information I’ve finally arrived at the reasons I want to adopt. They are really the same reasons someone would want a biological child, but it goes a little further than that. I want to share my knowledge and experiences, leave some kind of a legacy, teach them about the world, and help them maximize their potential. We don't need a biological child to have those experiences. We can reap all the rewards of parenting by taking in a child who most needs a stable, loving family. We don’t need to add another child to a world that already has too many people and too many problems and is depleting its natural resources.
I’ve always wanted to change the world for the better. However, my view and goals have evolved. The world is a big place and almost impossible change. I probably can’t change the world for everyone, however, Leah and I can change one kid’s entire world. And that impact is probably bigger than anything I could accomplish anywhere else.